A Normal Day, Or Kimi and Tayuya Sitting in a Tree
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: Kimi/Tay.Kidoumaru bashing & rampant scuirophobia.Beware the wrath of the flute.Involves some Kabuto/Oro,alcohol,drugs & a missing sleeping bag.Crack.Citrus later on.CH9:Ever watched 'The Birds?This is The Squirrels. NOT related to Favorite Damn Disease.
1. TayTay

**A Typical Day/Tayuya and Kimimaro, Sitting in a Tree**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**I don't own any characters in Naruto. Massahi Kishimoto does. This story may be harmful to people who's minds have not fallen into the proverbial gutter yet, and may cause said falling, especially in later chapters. I tried to keep them mostly in character, but I know I failed miserably. I'm playing with the possibility of SakonxUkon and Jiroubo killing Kidoumaru somehow. Of course, this whole story is an excuse for KimimaroxTayuya, so enjoy all the perverted jokes!**

**Author's note after the fact: This story shows signs of mutating into an epic on the lives of the Sound Four and Orochimaru prior to the arrival of Sasuke. The "good old days" if you will. Want this to happen, and want it to happen faster? Review! Tell me what you like! I command it!  
**

It was a typical day in Orochimaru's evil hideout. Water dripped slowly from a crack in the ceiling, Jiroubo was eating everything in sight, and, according to the tiny thermometer that Sakon always carried with him, the temperature was approximately thirty-seven degrees Fahrenheit in the hideout. Tayuya whacked him over the head with one of her flutes when he said this, pointing out that _all_ of them could see their breath and they _didn't_ need a wise-ass telling them it was cold. Kidoumaru suggested that they all go in Tayuya's room (the cleanest one in the hideout, since the guys were not known for being tidy) and, umm, _huddle for warmth_. Like penguins, real close. Tayuya, tired of Kidoumaru's constant hitting on her, snapped.

"Will you shut your damn trap already? And I don't _care _if your f****** spidey senses are tingling, I don't want to know about it!" Kidoumaru, who had been just about to put a few arms around her and make that exact comment, flinched away as the angry redhead prepared to smite him with her flute, inadvertently smacking Ukon across the mouth. He mumbled a few swear words at her, then went back to sleep, blood dripping gently from his split lip. An enormous crash was heard from the kitchen, and all three, or rather four, of them sighed. Jiroubo had tipped the fridge over, _again, _and there would be no supper tonight... _again._

"Jiroubo... _tell me why you drank my milk... and make it good this time, or I just might tell Orochimaru-sama to go screw his orders and kill you myself." _there followed a few seconds of stuttering, and a whirlwind of chicken bones and empty crisp packets that buffeted the three/four standing in the living room as Jiroubo fled, making a giant hole in the wall. Instead of shouting "Oh yeah!!!", he was shouting "Oh holy s***! He's Gonna kill me!!!!".

"Hmm, I've never seen fatso move so fast." commented Kidoumaru as he caught a milk carton in one hand, a completely stripped chicken wing in the other, a Pocky box in another, and crisp packets in the other three hands. He dropped the milk carton when Kimimaro blew past, spiked bones raking sparks along the walls and nearly beheading Ukon.

"Yeah, you suppose he'll actually catch him this time? I mean, when Jiroubo gets rolling down that hill _nobody_ can catch him! I mean, he's a freaking boulder, ha ha!!!" Tayuya was trying hard not to laugh as Ukon extruded one hand out of his brother's back to wipe a little blood from his mouth and give Tayuya a withering glare, or at least what passed for one from a Siamese twin in lipstick and eyeliner.

"I don't really _care_ if he catches lard-cheeks at all, if it gives us a break from them. Hey Tay-tay, wanna come to my room? I have some new web sculptures I'd like to show you if you don't mi-" He was cut off by another whack upside the head with the flute, and an open milk carton being stuffed over his head.

"Don't you _ever_ call me Tay-tay. _EVER, _you hear me arachnid boy?!?!? You hear me, spider-s***?!?!?!" She had grabbed Kidoumaru by the collar and was shaking him while he struggled in vain (with all six hands) to remove the milk jug from his head. "I'm going to my room to practice my flute, and woe betide _any_ of you who disturb me." She gave Kidoumaru a final blow with her flute and stomped off towards her room.

"Wow, it must be that time of the month, to hit you that hard, _and_ with the end that has all the keys too! Dude, Kidoumaru, are you alright? Kidoumaru?" The spidery one had slumped backwards across the living room couch, plastic milk carton still firmly anchored over his head. Sakon wondered why he was playing dead, and Ukon brought out a hand to punch his brother for being so utterly retarded, explaining that people needed oxygen to live, and that they got it by breathing. No breathing = no oxygen = dead Kidoumaru = Kimimaro gets mad = dead Sakon/Ukon. Sakon, failing to see his brother's reasoning, punched him right back before separating from him and proceeding to have a fistfight all over the living room and ignoring Kidoumaru, who was slowly turning blue.

"Sakon! Ukon! I swear, if both of you put your brains together you'd still be dumber than Jiroubo. _Please_ explain why you were fighting each other instead of helping spider-boy here get my damn milk carton off his head." That was Kimimaro, who appeared to have invited all the twigs and leaves in the nearby forest to a party in his snowy hair. He had both brothers, one for each hand, pressed against the wall of the hideout by their throats. The bones of his wrists formed long, thin spikes that stretched slowly closer to their faces with each passing second. Sakon and Ukon both took note of the fact that Kimimaro's left eyelid was twitching slightly. That was _never_ a good sign. Kidoumaru, who had been regaining consciousness in a corner, spoke up.

"Don't hurt them, Kimimaro-sama. They're too stupid for their own good." the pale-haired Kaguya sighed and released the brothers to merge and cough, rubbing their throats. "Besides, I think Tayuya needs some _cheering up, _if you get my drift_._ She went off to her room a while ago. She sounded really lonely, and I'm worried about her in this cold-" He dodged a volley of phalanges as Kimimaro turned to say, "You aren't worried over jack, you creep. Are you retarded, or did the dumb cooze give you a concussion with one of her flutes? If you kept a calendar, you would know that this is a good week to avoid Tayuya at all costs. It's called PMS, and it means Possible Murder Suspect." Kidoumaru sweatdropped.

"Uh, yes, Kimimaro-sama, avoid her at all costs. He heh, But don't you think she might need some cheering up? I mean, nobody can be _that_ angry and not want somebody to share the misery with? Right?" Kimimaro shook his head, yet again amazed at the stupidity of his subordinates as Sakon and Ukon, who had been staring dumbly at the exchange, closed their mouths and got up to go check out the damage to the kitchen. _I'm surrounded by idiots,_ he thought. An idea dawned on him, and he turned back to Kidoumaru. "Hey, you know, maybe she might like a little attention. I suggest that you go and humbly ask her if we could listen to her practice her flute, you know, as an audience. A very quiet audience that doesn't bother her. How about it?" he put on his best charismatic Orochimaru-type grin. Kidoumaru noted that the Kaguya-teme seemed to be either in extreme pain, or trying to make fangs grow out of his teeth, but whatever. They both tramped down the long, winding corridors to Tayuya's room, Sakon and Ukon catching up a few minutes later.

"Umm... Kimimaro? Could you tell Orochimaru-sama that he really, really needs to go shopping? There's nothing left in the fridge. Come to think of it, there isn't even a fridge anymore." All three/four of them stopped to sweatdrop and ponder their empty stomachs.


	2. Bones?

**Chapter Two, in which Kimimaro has Special dreams...**

**So yeah, I still don't own any of the characters. Trust me, I checked. They still belong to Massahi Kishimoto.**

**And yes, I'm still making constant references to a certain piece of 'American Literature' I listened to at the dentists office.**

"So, umm, who's gonna knock?" asked Kidoumaru, surreptitiously scooting behind Sakon/Ukon. Ukon woke up and grinned at him, rather scarily, seeing as he still had a split lip and the blood had dried in a long, black stripe down his chin.

"Why don't you? Please, I insist. She seems to like you _so much." _The last words held more than a touch of sarcastic mockery. Ukon then settled back into motionlessness as Kimimaro picked up the conversation.

"Sure, Spidey, you seem inhuman enough. And besides, you make your own bandages, for when she bites your dumb head off." He pushed Kidoumaru toward the door, snickering a bit along with Sakon. Kidoumaru took a deep breath, then knocked delicately at the door.

"If it's Kidoumaru, Sakon, Ukon, Jiroubo or Sasuke, screw off! I don't have any food in here, so don't bother! If it's Orochimaru-sama or Kabuto, what do you want? If it's Kimimaro, come in, but you better have a damn good reason!!!!!" The three/four stared amongst each other in amazement. Never before had they heard Tayuya speak with such command, or use so few curse words. All of them turned to Kimimaro.

"What?" was his only reply. The others motioned him to talk through the heavy door to her. "Tayuya, it's Kimimaro. I just wanted to listen to your songs... it gets boring... Sakon and Ukon don't say much and Kidoumaru talks so much, I swear I'm bleeding from the ears. Can I come in? I won't call you a dumb cooze." The door creaked open a bit, and a sliver of orange hair appeared.

"Fine. But be quiet. I'm trying to practice. And Eyeliner and Spidey can't come in, because they're even ruder than you." She let the snowy-haired youth past the door, before slamming it shut again. Kidoumaru sighed and turned away, mumbling about finding some food. Sakon/Ukon followed him, knowing that there was simply no hope until Orochimaru-sama got one of his goons to do the shopping, and that it was probably going to be them who got the job.

Kimimaro found himself held at flute-point against the back of the door, Tayuya glaring at him. "I only let you in because I knew you three would keep pestering me forever. Now would you just shut up and let me practice. Yeah, over there in that corner. Here, have a damn pillow." She removed the flute from under his chin and pouted at him until he sat on the cushion in the darkest corner of the room. He settled in to watch her as she began another song, this one in a haunting minor key, the tones echoing ominously from the hard stone walls. He slouched forward, sitting crisscross as she began a dirge, lulled by the slow, mournful notes that dripped melancholy, and his eyelids fell shut as she played a soft, sweetly lilting lullaby. He fell into a light trance as she went on to switch instruments to a longer, deeper toned flute and began a tune that was sinuous, made even more so by the new instrument's extended range. It brought to mind wild-eyed dancers around an open fire, gyrating to the beat of drums and the hazy scent of smoke and fire and sweat and lust. The notes cascaded across his dreaming mind like the feel of his own blood whenever he fought, flowing and flying from where his bones shot out of his skin, only to be replaced instantly from within. So slick, so sinuous, so sensuous and alive, so primitive and base, an urge long forgotten, it welled up within him in his dreams. And then it was over, as the Kaguya felt a small, warm hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently awake. Another hand, this one seemed much cooler, on his forehead.

"Kimimaro, are you... okay?" It was Tayuya, the Dumb Cooze, fiery hair spilling in an unruly mess about her shoulders and into her face as she ogled his dazed expression and slouched posture. "Hello, anybody home? Or are you just going to sit there and drool like an idiot?" She poked his cheek, and the Kaguya snapped out of his stupor. He wiped his mouth and stood up, readjusting his rumpled clothes to hide what her music had done to him. Tayuya giggled. "You were asleep, and then you started-"

"Shut up. I know I was saying stuff. If you wanted a guinea pig to test your music on, I can assure you, it has the intended effect. Especially the lullaby... that one put me to sleep, and, and the last one-" He stopped. Tayuya was still giggling and eyeing him. When he slammed her against the wall with one hand as he always did, she stopped. Their faces were inches apart, like always, but this time it was different. He could still hear the pounding of bare feet on packed earth, feel the rush of blood through his body, and even smell the scent of burning herbs... come to think of it, he _could_ smell flowers... rose, and some sort of sandalwood, the stuff that Orochimaru-sama was always burning. He could feel her body, soft and supple against his own hardness and muscle. He was brought sharply back to reality, he didn't know how much later, as her small hands scrabbled against his much larger one, still at her throat. As she passed out, her hand fell, brushing down the front of his open shirt to graze the smooth skin and the rippling muscles underneath it, almost to his waist, as she went totally limp, all fight gone with her air. His eyes widened at the touch, and he released her to fall to the floor as he exited the room. Just as he slammed the door, he heard her giggle again, amidst the gasping and choking. _Dumb cooze, she thinks everything is funny..._

He went to his quarters, disgusted with himself for almost being seduced by his subordinate and took a long, cold shower as punishment. After that, he went to his personal training rooms and put in a few hours before bed. His stomach wouldn't stop growling, but eventually he slept. His dreams were filled with the last flute song, shadows of savages dancing and skipping about a fire, doing anything and everything to satisfy their wildest desires, with no restraint or need for modesty. They jumped, they whooped, they invited him to join in. One girl, naked and made all of flames took his hand and made him dance. She made him dance until his head swam with motion sickness. Then she made him dance some more, faster, faster, until he looked down from a dizzying height and saw that his feet were also aflame, and she made him dance until everything below his chest was on fire, and then all of him. It didn't hurt, unless he stood still. As long as he kept moving, kept watching as his clothes burned and scattered behind him as motes of gray dust, the flames were like cool water. The fiery creature writhed around him, engulfing him in her dance, entwining with him and showering him in the scent of fire and rose petals and sandalwood. She twisted him in knots and stretched him out, plastic and elastic and ecstatic as she bathed his entire body in flames and the haunting melody from the flutes of the other beings encircling them. She wove in and out through his arms, his legs, his chest, his heart. She made his eyes shine with fire, and his body sing and tingle with it. She placed her lips to his in a conflagration of lust and passion, and sank into him, onto him, around him, and it felt so right, so whole, so...

"Hnn..." He rolled over, then threw a kunai at the door, sitting up groggily and glaring around through the haze of that wonderful dream to see who had been foolish enough to try to sneak into his rooms. A small cry of pain and surprise greeted him. It was Tayuya the Dumb Cooze, pinned to the wall by the kunai that had stuck in the webbing of her hand. She glared at him.

"Well, excuse me if I think you're dying and want to come check up on you, jerk. What the hell's the matter, that you're shouting and hollering about 'fire' and s*** so loud it's keeping me awake? Hmm?" She wrenched the kunai out of the wall and her hand, tearing off a strip of her night tunic to bind the wound. Kimimaro was staring at her. He had never noticed that she wore no bra to sleep. Her unusual concern for his wellbeing was also making him edgy. He thought only Orochimaru-sama cared about him. Why did this dumb cooze give a s*** about his dreams? When he heard her giggling again, he cursed himself for sleeping only in a pair of thin pants, and pulled the blanket up over himself. That seemed to be what triggered the giggling, he thought.

"Ugh, go away, I was having a nice dream, even if I was yelling about fire and stuff. I said _go away._" He protested, as she kept on walking closer, bound hand soaking through with blood and starting to gently drip on the bed sheets when she sat down beside him. "Get your damn drippy hand off my damn bed. I don't want people thinking I'm on my man-period or whatever, you dumb cooze. _Now scram_." She didn't. Instead, she placed a hand on his chest and pushed him onto his back as she crossed her legs on the side of his narrow bed. Her hand was so warm, and it stayed there while she felt his heart beat like a rabbit's as she touched him. Her eyes caught his, and for a moment, he saw the fire burn and flare within the chocolaty depths before she brought out another of her flutes and started to play another lullaby. He was so tired, but he forced himself to ask her another question.

"Why are you doing this... for me?" when she didn't answer, he just mumbled something about her being a dumb cooze, and let himself be carried off into a thoroughly dreamless sleep by the music. He didn't even feel when she got off the bed to retrieve an extra blanket, or when she heaved the slumbering Kaguya over to curl up beside him. All he knew was that he seemed to be a bit warmer than usual, and that he had an extra pillow.

When Kimimaro woke, he took note of two things: First, there was someone else in his bed, whom he was curled around and an arm slung over. Second, he needed to pee. Tayuya, always a light sleeper, awoke when she felt the change in the Kaguya's breath pattern, and grinned inwardly to herself. _Wow, I wonder if that's one of his bones... _

"Tayuya, wake up. _Why_ do you find it necessary to sleep in my bed? If Kidoumaru is harassing you again, all you have to do is tell me and I'll put a stop to it. Bunking with me is not necessary." His voice held a slight quiver as he said it, turning away and praying that she hadn't noticed anything. Who knows, it might give her stupid ideas. He didn't like her, not like that... at least, he didn't think so...

Kimimaro got up and headed for the bathroom, Tayuya giggling on her way out of his room and down the hall. Sakon and Ukon staggered up to her, each of them supporting a large number of grocery bags in each hand. They both dropped the bags, seeing that she was coming from the direction of Kimimaro's quarters.

"Y-you? Tayuya? Are you OK? Did you- did you _sleep_ with him?" She whacked the trembling finger Sakon pointed at her with her flute.

"No, baka, I didn't. I was just going in to complain about how Kidoumaru was giving me trouble again, and that I'm not allowed to kill him." She put both hands on her hips, the bandaged one leaving a dark red splotch on her nightgown. Sakon took in her rumpled hair and ripped night clothes, and the fact that she was obviously not wearing a bra, and had nice perky little...

"I was _what? _Excuse me, Tay-Tay, but you were most certainly _not_ in your room last night! I even went to check, I was so worried about you. What happened to your hand? Did he _bone you _or something?" That was Kidoumaru, face red and blotchy, all six arms crossed in front him and a scowl firmly plastered on his face.

"Both of you shut the hell up. Kidoumaru, quit lying. You know damn well that you aren't supposed to snoop in my rooms at night, you pervy insect." She whacked one of Kidoumaru's hands, and a shopping bag fell to the floor with a tinkle of glass.

"But I'm an arachnid..." Kidoumaru looked thoroughly chastised and bent down to pick up the jars of jam he had dropped. What he was really trying to do, however, was look up her night dress.

"And you, Sakon, quit staring at my boobs. I know they're tiny, but you don't need to look that hard for them. Jeez, you guys are all perverts! I'm going to Kabuto to get my hand fixed. At least _he_ knows how to be professional about things and not think with his nuts." She pushed past the two of them, intent on finding Kabuto. He would know what to do.


	3. Tayuya Gets a Shot

**Chapter 3, or Tayuya gets a shot**

**Nope, I still don't own any Naruto characters.**

Tayuya nearly ran into the gray-haired medic as she hurried down the dank corridor to his lab. Kabuto kept her from falling flat on her face only by hauling her up by her injured hand, eliciting a squeak of pain. "Why so preoccupied, Tayuya? Is Kidoumaru being inappropriate again? Or is it something _else_?" The medic's glasses shined opaquely in the candle light.

"Just bandage me up." Tayuya just held out her hand and sighed as he unwrapped the makeshift bandage and applied healing chakra to the stab wound.

"Amazing that this didn't get infected, what with all the grime and germs on most kunai. Who threw it at you?" The gray-haired medical ninja chatted as his green-haloed hands enclosed her own hand.

"Kimimaro. It was the one he kept under his pillow." She replied, distracted.

"Kimimaro, really? Fascinating. And why, pray tell, did he need to use the kunai under his pillow? Were you in his room?" The medic tilted his head, revealing sharp, intelligent eyes, "Pardon me for jumping to conclusions, but you two aren't in a relationship, are you? Because that can seriously screw with team dynamics, pardon my pun. Orochimaru-sama should know about this, if you two are..." he talked for a few more seconds before Tayuya couldn't take it anymore.

"Ugh! We're not dating! I just went in there to see if he was alright, 'cause he was having a f***ing nightmare and yelling at things in his sleep, and it was keeping me awake! Anyway, he's not the one I'm worried about... I think Kidoumaru went in my room last night while I was putting Kimimaro back to sleep, and I wouldn't put it past him to rape me... can I get a prescription for some birth control pills? I _don't_ want spider-babies Kabuto, really." Tayuya drew in another deep breath to begin talking again, but was stopped by Kabuto's suppressed snort of mirth. The candlelight glinted off the glasses again, obscuring the knowing laughter in the medical ninja's eyes.

"Ok, if that's how you want it." He said to her in a rich, sadistic chuckle. "I'll make sure you don't get any duo assignments with Kidoumaru. Sexual harassment in the workplace is _never_ good for productivity." He finished the healing of her hand, then manipulated all the fingers and joints to make sure everything worked. He patted her hand and continued his walk along the corridor. _Now, for some evil plotting. I bet I can get those two together, and out of the hideout... and then it will just be me and Orochimaru. And possibly some of the cooler Akatsuki.  
_

__"Oh, and Tayuya-san, meet me in my lab later today; I'll have something _way_ better than pills for you."

* * *

Later that day, Tayuya swung by Kabuto's lab after training. She was greeted by Kabuto with a loaded syringe. "Umm, Kabuto, what the hell is that for? You're not going to rip out anything, are you?" she backed away from the grinning medic. Those pearly white teeth and shining white lenses always creeped her out.

"Why no, Tayuya. This is an injectable contraceptive. I stick you with the needle, you can't get "preggo", as I believe you teens say. No pills, no powders, no patches, no snake oil, no nothing. And nobody can hide it from you. _And_ since you're not all that punctual, you can't forget anything." Ignoring the jibe at her intelligence, Tayuya took the needle in her arm stoically, and said her goodbyes as fast as possible. On the way out, Kabuto tossed some foil-wrapped squares to her.

"Here. Since I happen to know that Kidoumaru has syphilis, AIDS, _and_ herpes..." Tayuya blanched at the thought. "I'm his doctor." Kabuto tipped his glasses down and gave her a meaningful look over the rims. He seemed to think of something else, and tossed a few slightly smaller squares at her "And these are for Sakon... he has... well, not a lot... if you get my drift." The spectacles shined as Kabuto nudged the reflective lenses back up over his eyes and smirked. Tayuya stood there in shock for a few seconds, then burst out laughing as she walked back to her quarters. Oh, Kabuto knew the dirt on _everyone_, and that was what made his smart-ass attitude bearable. 

_I wonder what he would say about Kimimaro... hehe bones... wait, what? Why am I thinking this? Bad Tayuya, get your mind out of the gutter._


	4. Penguin Tactics and Sleeping Bags

**Chapter 4, or penguin tactics as an excuse to stick two people together in a sleeping bag**

**Nope, I don't own any of Massahi Kishimoto's characters.  
**

"Ah, my minions, I mean friends, it seems I have another mission for you." The Sound Five bowed before Orochimaru in the Throne Room of Utter Evilness as the candles cast monster shadows across the walls. _Oh great, another mission with these clowns..._ thought Kimimaro, glancing at the others. _I wish I could get a freaking solo mission once in a while. _Then, Orochimaru began to brief them on the mission objectives and things went from mildly annoying to downright unpleasant. _Stake out duty, my absolute favorite_, Kimimaro thought sarcastically as Orochimaru assigned them to teams to investigate some of the other hideouts. The alarm systems had been tripped in three of his many lairs, and they were to find out who was skulking around his property, and why the hell they were skulking. Kabuto, who had been standing by his master patiently, explained that the Sound Five were to bring back any intruders they captured, preferably alive but anything was better than nothing.

"Let's see... Kidoumaru and Jiroubo, you two go to hideout 2." Orochimaru held up a finger to stem any complaints. "Shut up and get packing. You have at least a week of field work ahead of you. Now, Sakon, Ukon, you two go to hideout 7... we've been through this before. You are two separate people. You're just very close. Kimimaro and Tayuya, you two get hideout 10. You all meet back here in 30 minutes. Go." They all filed out, and Kabuto's glasses glinted in the candlelight.

Tayuya was furiously clawing through her closet for her sleeping bag when the clock buzzed, reminding her that she had to be in the Throne Room of Utter Evilness in five minutes. Scowling, she packed the rest of her gear and tossed in a couple blankets as a last-ditch substitute. _Damn it all, I can't find anything when I need it... I wonder if there's some sort of black hole where stuff hides when you try to find it..._

"You're late." was all Orochimaru said when she puffed down the stairs with her backpack. the others glared at her accusingly, and Sakon asked her if she'd forgotten her makeup.

"Shut up, fairy." She spat back. He knew damn well that she never wore makeup. Orochimaru handed them more scrolls and they departed, each team going their separate way. By nightfall Sakon and Ukon had reached Hideout 7 and found nothing but a large nest of squirrels over the entrance tunnel. Jiroubo and Kidoumaru had decided to spend the night at a nice onsen a few miles from Hideout 2. Well, Jiroubo had decided he was going to get some food and had dragged poor Kidoumaru along for the ride. Kimimaro and Tayuya however, were stuck in a swamp, literally.

"Quit panicking you dumb cooze... unless you want to end up in a museum someday as a fossil. Swim _slowly_ towards that log." She obeyed, taking way too long to hoist herself out of the squishy mass of peat and mud. "Now grab a branch and let me grab hold." The branch broke. "F***. okay, just grab onto my bone and pull me out. Never mind, you're worthless. Just stand still." He extended an arm bone to her, which she took while he slowly retracted it back into his body. When he climbed onto the ancient, rotting tree trunk he sighed. "And the girls says 'let's take a shortcut, hey that way looks easy'. Honestly Tayuya, your stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Let's go. Hopefully we can find our way back to the original route and not have to walk through forty more miles of mud." He ducked the swinging flute and the two slogged back they way they had come.

While Kimimaro pitched the tent in a small clearing, Tayuya got to wash their muddy clothes in a nearby spring. The cold water stung her hands as she washed. Figuring that Kimimaro would be futzing with the two-man tent for at least a few hours, she stripped down to her underwear and began to wash her own clothes. _Damn, it's cold. And I can't wear these clothes again until they dry. F***. Oh well, at least I ain't completely naked... that would be aaaaaaaawkward. _Wringing out the garments, she trudged back to the campsite in her underwear to find Kimimaro roasting a few squirrels over the mini-hibachi that he always packed with him on long missions. It smelled delicious.

"Hey Bone Boy, have fun catching squirrels while I did your f****** laundry?" She tossed him a damp pile of clothes and scurried inside the tent.

_Did I just see what I thought I saw? _Kimimaro reviewed the image in his head of Tayuya in nothing but cheap cotton underpants and a black bra, amazed at how someone so lithe and fit could look so dumpy in her sound ninja uniform. _It must be the stupid belt with the giant purple bow in back, it would make her look wider. Yeah. _He snapped out of his reverie when he heard a soft hissing sound from the hibachi, and wiped the blood from his nose, which had been dripping onto the coals. Using elongated finger bones, he plucked five fat, browned squirrels from the hibachi and deposited them onto a small tin plate as Tayuya came out of the tent fully clothed and dumpy-looking again.

"Mmmm... squirrel. My f****** favorite." She said sarcastically before digging in. It actually wasn't that bad, but Tayuya always ended up having to eat squirrel on missions. That was the only animal Kimimaro ever caught. Even if there were rabbits and geese and ducks galore, the only thing he ever brought to the fire was squirrel, and she always ended up having to eat it. Kimimaro rolled his sea green eyes and took the last squirrel. She always b****** about his cooking.

When Tayuya went over to check their clothes and found them frozen solid, they both decided to go in the tent. As the Kaguya unrolled his sleeping bag, he noticed that Tayuya had taken out a couple of thin blankets and was shivering wordlessly in a corner.

"Are you okay, Tay-Tay?" He asked, and immediately regretted it.

"Don't you f-f****** c-call me Tay-T-Tay! I'm f-f****** f-fine!" She shivered even more, making the small tent canopy tremble.

"Aren't you going to hit me with your flute?" Kimimaro asked, giving her his best s***-eating grin. She just glared and chattered her teeth. "I take that as a no." He got into his sleeping bag and turned over away from her. The teeth-chattering continued. _Well, this seems unavoidable but what the hell... it's not like we haven't all done this huddle-for-warmth thing before. At least I'm not going to be cuddling with ... was aaaaaaaawkward... way, way too many hands...  
_

"Tayuya, you are such a f****** baka. Soon you'll be a frozen baka if you don't come over here and get in the damn sleeping bag." He said, without turning over. Silence, then the rustle of blankets as Tayuya crawled over and got inside the sleeping bag.

"Holy. F******. S***. Your feet are f****** cold."

"Well let me warm them the f*** up."

Kimimaro winced when ice cold feet were tucked against the backs of his legs as Tayuya curled into fetal position with her back facing him. He grabbed the blankets Tayuya had deserted and threw them over the sleeping bag for extra insulation and tried to go to sleep. _Great, now I have a human popsicle in bed with me, sucking out all my body heat and giving me f****** hypothermia. Awesome. I should really have just let her freeze, the dumb cooze. _

Kimimaro finally fell asleep somewhere around two am. His dreams were again haunted by the beat of drums and the smell of burning herbs. This time however, it was a calmer dream and he was one of the people watching, instead of performing and being on display. He reclined, draped in opulent silks and precious metals that glittered and winked from his fingers and toes. He was enveloped in the heady perfume of rare flowers and smoke. One of the dancers sidled up and greeted him in a language he could not understand. Her voice sounded like a wooden flute, high and breathy as she lounged beside him on the thick, embroidered ground rug. He ignored her and concentrated on the other dancers as they leapt and twirled in an endless cacophony of limbs and flowing hair. He didn't notice the girl again until she was nearly on top of him, fingers tangling in his long white hair...

Green eyes snapped open as he realized that there actually _was_ someone on top of him, and that he _was_ feeling fingers running through his hair. It was Tayuya, and she was mumbling in her sleep about squirrels. He kept his breathing steady so as not to wake her, but could do nothing about his heart, which was working overtime to pump blood everywhere _but_ his brain. _Aaaaaaaaaaaawkward_, said the part of his mind that was not either trying to figure out how to get Tayuya off him without waking her up, or telling him to just lay there and enjoy his newfound blanket. _She _is_ kind of cushy, and much warmer than when she got in here. Oh well, more heat for me! _He decided to just go back to sleep and ignore the fact that she seemed to be giggling in her sleep.

Tayuya, meanwhile, was having a dream in which she was being chased by roasted squirrels through a swamp that sucked her down like quicksand. the squirrels wanted revenge on Kimimaro for racial discrimination during hunting. They chattered savage war cries in their squirrelly little voices and threw tiny, foil-wrapped shuriken at them. One of the squirrels had large, round glasses and was riding a flying syringe, trying to jab her in the arms and back. Another had two heads like Sakon and Ukon, and another kept puking out clones of himself. Overhead, a flying squirrel with eight legs dove at her, latching onto her chest with a cry of "BOOBIES!!!!" All the squirrels took up the chant as she batted the psychotic Kidoumaru squirrel off her and ran for the edge of the forest where light shone. Just as she reached the glowing boundary between trees and fields, the ground fell out from under her, and she grasped at loose roots and branches to stop her fall into a deep, misty abyss filled with a writhing mass of squirrels. Her stomach turned over as the branch snapped, jolting her awake. _Wow, that was one of my more retarded dreams_, she thought as she felt silky hair clutched in one hand and the rise and fall of someone's chest beneath her other. _Oh, wait, I'm in Kimimaro's sleeping bag. Aaaaaawkward. But hey, I have a nice mattress and it's even self-heating. A bit lumpy though... especially at the crotch. _She tried to keep from giggling as she thought about how Kimimaro must be freaking out. She knew he was awake, she could tell by his heart rate. She waited for him to say something, but he kept silent. _Hmm... maybe I can have some fun... _the redhead shifted so that she could get a better angle and gently let a breath out across his neck. No response. Fine. She took an earlobe between her teeth and sucked lightly, feeling him twitch a bit. She continued her ministrations, occasionally nipping around the shell of his ear, until he gave a frustrated grumble and opened one eye.

"Do you _want something_?" He said, trying to keep the quiver out of his voice. Yes, she wanted something, he was sure of it. But did she realize what she was asking of him? He knew the general concept of what she was insinuating, thanks to Orochimaru's video collection, but really, what was the point? Girls were something he didn't have much experience with, seeing as he spent most of his time training, on missions, or praying in front of the little altar in his room filled with handmade carvings of Orochimaru-sama.

"Tayuya... are you f****** with me? Because if you are, it's not funny. I swear, I will put you outside and let you freeze to death if you do anything else to me. Under different circumstances, like not being wanted S-Class criminals, I might actually want to think of you as more than a comrade." Tayuya pushed herself up on his chest, trying to make eye contact even in the darkness.

"Come on Kimimaro-kun, it's not that big of a deal... I just..."

"Think, Tayuya. What would this do to our team dynamics if Sakon and Kidoumaru found out? And please, don't call me Kimimaro-kun."

"That's the thing. They won't find out. Now shut up." It was in that moment that Kimimaro realized he'd lost the battle when he felt her lips brush almost against his in the final syllable. When she snaked a hand around the back of his neck and forced him to deepen the kiss, he knew that he was going to regret what he was about to do. Once she stuck her tongue in his mouth, he jerked in surprise (or at least a good imitation of it) and bit her tongue making her draw back and let out a small yelp of pain.

"I... I'm sorry Tay... you really surprised me." It was lame, but not as lame as what he had actually done. That was just a low blow.

"Jeez... thanks for ruining the f****** mood Casa-f******-nova. F*** it, I'm going to sleep." And with that, Tayuya rolled over and curled up again , back facing him. Kimimaro almost felt bad for being rude to her, but then again he _did _call her a dumb cooze all the time. He tried to get comfortable, wrapping himself around the redhead and burying his face in her hair. _Roses and sandalwood..._


	5. sciurophobia

**Chapter 5, or scurophobia = fear of squirrels**

**Nope, I checked again and I still don't own any Naruto characters.**

**If you like this chapter, review it. And tell me what you think of the little Sakon/Ukon thingamajig. Oh, and the dirty jokes/references get dirtier in this chapter, so yeah... if your mind isn't already going through the sewer treatment plant by now, RUN AWAY!!!!!  
**

When Kimimaro woke up, Tayuya was again on top of him. It seemed she liked that position. _Because heat rises and she wants to get warmer,_ said one part of his brain. _Because she wants to screw my brains out, and she wants to be on top, _said another part. _And that's a bad thing why? _Said the rest of his brains. He got up and left the tent to go cook breakfast, and came back half an hour with a bundle of dead squirrels and blood splattered over half his shirt, whistling merrily as he set up the hibachi. When it was nice and hot, he gutted the squirrels and set them to roast before opening the tent flap to wake Tayuya.

"Mrrrrrpphhh... f*** you... f****** f*****... gaahhhhhh... f*** my life... and f*** you too..." _She looks so innocent, but wow... even in her sleep she's a potty mouth..._ he climbed back into the tent, intent on hearing the rest of her dream.

"F*** you... f****** squirrels... little flying... piles of s*** with wings... mmmmphhhh... Kimi... maro... quit making me... eat all your squirrels... hmmm..." She twisted in the sleeping bag, seemingly very engrossed in the dream. _Wow, this is kind of hot, like that dancer in my dream a couple nights ago... _He was drawn back by her next words.

"Mmmm... kimi-kun... yeah... hnnn..." He watched in fascination. _I wonder if she would mind if I got back in there with her... no. That would lead to inadvisable things... _

"F*** you... Kimimaro... eat that squirrel..." _Oh, to hell with it. _He slipped off his shirt and slid himself into the rumpled sleeping bag with her, drawing in a breath as her hand brushed his stomach. When he was fully inside the sleeping bag he sighed to himself, thinking how bery awkward this was getting. Damnit, she just has to keep squirming and..._ooohh_... He paused in his thinking for long enough to bite his lip as the sleeping redhead stretched and found his body to nuzzle into. She pulled herself on top of him again, straddling him in her sleep and continuing to mumble.

"Oh... my... gods... Kimimaro-kun... that is such... a huge..." the Kaguya was watching her drool gently on his chest, waiting with baited breath to find out what she thought was so very big. He could definitely think of _something_ right now. "Squirrel..." He let out the breath and sweatdropped. "OMG... get it away from me... stab that... f****** motherf*****..." Kimimaro winced as she raked short, sharp fingernails down his chest, and was just about to slap her to get her to wake up when he felt her arms go limp, along with the rest of her. "Ohhh... that was f****** awesome... Kimi-kun... that's such a long... bone..." _Hardly, _he thought, _too bad the human penis doesn't actually have a bone. Thank you, Kabuto's sex ed lecture. I better wake her up before she decides to molest me more than she already has... not that that's a bad thing... _He tried to sit up with the redhead on top of him, but she just sagged against him, dead weight.

"Tayuya, wake up. Tayuya! Tay-Tay!" He shook her shoulder and her eyes half opened, hazy with sleep and something else he couldn't quite pin down.

"Kimi-kun... how nice of you..." she reached up, dragging him into a sleepy kiss and trying to take off her night shirt with the other hand. "Mmmmm... Kimi-kun, could you take this shirt off? It's getting hot in here..." Come to think of it, it was getting kind of hot... and as Kimimaro drew in a deep breath he could smell something burning...

"Umm... Tay-Tay, I'd love to-" and to his surprise, he found that for once, he wasn't lying about that "-but breakfast is burning!" Unzipping the sleeping bag, Kimimaro bolted out of the tent to find his hibachi home to several blackened squirrel skeletons that glared balefully at him with their beady little sunken eyes. _Ohhhh craaaapppp... wait 'til Tayuya sees this..._

_

* * *

_

"Hey Ukon... you remember why you're called UK-on, right?"

"No, obviously I don't, even though you always manage to remind me why on solo missions..." Geeze, how the hell could I forget...

"Well let me remind you..."

A small rabbit (HAH! You thought I was gonna say squirrel! But no, for all intents and purposes, this creature is a rabbit. Trust me. And don't look at the bushy tail or the zipper up its front.) nearby watched in mute horror as sakon and Ukon separated and began to make out. When the two brothers walked into some nearby bushes, the "rabbit" followed, curious.

"C'mon Ukon, get on your knees for me... ahh that's it... yeah..."

"Mrmphhhrmppirrrearrrmphhh"

"Ok, now turn around and take it like my brother!"

The "rabbit" sat, frozen in disgust at what it was seeing.

"I love you, Sakon!"

"I love you too bro!"

"Oh... my... gods... I'm..."

"Yeah, me too..."

"Unhhh... merge with me... now!"

When the incestuous Siamese twins collaspsed as one (literally) to the leaf-strewn ground, the "rabbit" paused with being horrified for long enough to pick up a twig. It then went back to being horrified, and began to methodically stab it's eyeballs out, because** what has been seen cannot be unseen.**


	6. Voyeurism's Reward

**Chapter 5, or Spying on Tayuya  
**

**A Clockwork Pumelo**

**I just want to say that I checked again, for the umpteenth time, and I still don't own any of Mashassi Kishimoto's characters. I also want to say that this chapter was a pain in the butt to write, seeing as I kind of want to save any citrus content for after they get back from the mission... or when they get another mission. I also kind of want to keep it to a T rating too, and that's going to be difficult. Anyways, enjoy the story, and try not to judge... or drown in your own nosebleeds.**

Back in Orochimaru's hideout, Kabuto smirked as he replaced Tayuya's sleeping bag in her closet. _Hahaha... Kabuto: 571, The Rest of The Morons In This Entire Hideout: 11. And I'm keeping it that way._ He stripped off the latex examination gloves and stopped to study himself in Tayuya's small mirror._ Hmmm... maybe I should tie my hair back a bit lower, it would help make me look more timid and subordinate... Meh, my work here is done._

"Hey, Kabuto, you think they got the message?" Orochimaru had just walked in without knocking again, and Kabuto dodged the vial of corrosive chemicals he dropped when that abominable tongue tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, I think they did." His glasses flashed as he brought up the signals from the microchips embedded in each of the Sound Five's upper arms an the main computer screen. Two of the icons showed elevated heartbeats. "Loud and clear, Orochimaru-sama."

"Excellent."

_

* * *

  
_

After disposing quickly of the charred squirrel remains and taking a short walk, Kimimaro again opened the tent flap, only to find that Tayuya was gone. _How the hell did I miss her? I wasn't gone _that_ long... Maybe she went to go find something to eat? _He turned around and stretched, fanning out his awareness, searching for her chakra signature. It was faint, by a small, glacier-fed pond about three hundred yards away.He trotted briskly towards her chakra, eyeing the trees for assassins and squirrels.

When the warm body in the sleeping bag made a run for it, Tayuya found herself wide awake and very horny. _Damnit, what now? Oh, he's running away again. F****** pansy-a** f***** with his damn f****** insecurity. _When she could no longer feel his chakra nearby, the redhead decided to go cool off in the little pond she had washed their clothes in yesterday. _Was it only yesterday?_ Jumping immediately into the trees, she sped towards the chilly oasis to get clean. When she got to the shallow pond, the redhead scanned the area for chakra and, finding none, stripped her clothes off. _Oh, this is gonna suck,_ she thought, dreading the icy water. _Maybe if I just take it slow... _she dipped a toe in and felt the digit go almost instantly numb with cold. Another toe. This time, the cold traveled all the way up her foot and she felt herself shiver. After a few more minutes of playing chicken with the glacier melt, she removed the foot and sighed.

"Ok, now this is _really_ gonna suck." She walked to the deeper part of the pond, raised her arms in the air, and dove head first into the freezing water. The chill instantly sucked the air from her lungs, and she came up coughing and sputtering to check her surroundings. Her feet found a small boulder on the bottom of the pond, and she raised her head, scanning. _I am so glad I didn't hit that thing. I'd probably be dead. Wait, is that Kimimaro's chakra? Hehe... I'll bet he likes this._

_

* * *

  
_

Kimimaro stood behind a tree about ten meters from the edge of the pond, peering around to ogle his partner and hyperventilate... with the silence and stealth borne of years of ninja training, of course. She was stripping her clothes off now, and he marveled at her smooth skin, crisscrossed by the many scars of Shinobi life. His pants were so very tight, and it was getting hard to keep still as Tayuya took off her bra and underwear. _Hmmm... so that's why it's called firecrotch... _As Tayuya turned around to test the water with one foot, he noticed that she had really, _really_ nice legs, cut and shapely from years of training and bounding through trees, and that they led up to a butt that made his hands itch to grab. _So round, so firm and shapely... like the sun and the moon, only tanned and fleshy and connected to a really, really hot kunoichi that wants to screw me!_ One hand reached up to steady himself, while the other snuck down his pants and he suppressed a loud groan. If only she would somehow notice him, if only she would come over here and let him pin her against the tree and have his way with her, he would be able to die happily when Kidoumaru and Sakon/Ukon and Jiroubo murdered him in his sleep. When she took her foot out of the water and began to walk down the bank in his direction, he thought he would just die of a heart attack right then and there. But she didn't come over to be ravished by him, and he stilled as she walked past, his chest heaving as she padded by on bare feet and continued on another couple meters. He dared to peek around the tree again, and his hand immediately decided it was a good idea to undo his pants and resume its previous occupation with renewed vigor. _Oh, wow... no wonder she doesn't wear a bra-she doesn't need to. Especially in this cold, they're so perky and delicious looking! Mmmmm... _And then she dove, headfirst into the water, arcing gracefully. Kimimaro arched with her, back taut and one hand pressed over his mouth to stifle any sound. She surfaced, teeth chattering as he slumped down the side of the tree trunk into a semi-catatonic sitting position, legs splayed and eyes closed. _Well, this is embarrassing... I hope her little bath takes a while... so sleepy..._

_

* * *

  
_

_Hehe... I thought I heard a Kimimaro. I'll give him a couple minutes to stew, and if he doesn't leave, well, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands. _She continued to scrub herself in the chilly water, shivering all the while, and only climbing out once she couldn't feel her legs. _Ok, it's been long enough. He should have moved by now. Time to go see what's keeping him._ She found the snowy-haired teenager sitting collapsed against a tree, legs spread, pants around his knees and boxers nearly so. A few drops of white dappled his chest and stomach, and a small stream of it made a line running into a small canopy of silky curls. His breathing was slow, and his chakra signature was that of a person who was out cold, either that or just faking it really well.

"I've got you right where I want you, Kimimaro-kun." she whispered into his ear with a chuckle. She teased a nipple with one hand as the other trailed down his stomach and slowly explored his nest of silvery-white hair below. _And now I've got you by the balls... wake up Kimimaro-kun. Wake up and enjoy this..._

_Unnnnnhhhh... _Kimimaro opened one eye, seeing clouds and branches above him, and feeling something he'd only ever dreamed about before. The hot, wet suction of her mouth seemed to be filling him with fire. He moaned in pleasure when he glanced down and saw Tayuya looking up at him, large brown eyes wide and warm as she ran small hands up his chest and down his sides, then his hips, gently holding him still. His head snapped back up when she took him in even deeper, feeling as her breath warmed his lower abdomen and her tongue made little flicking motions. He couldn't stop his sudden intake of breath as the tongue ran in long, loopy circles and slid back and forth, making him squirm and twitch. _This feels... so good... I wonder how much more I can take? _Tayuya came up for air, tongue swirling all the way. _Not much, _he thought, feeling his abdominal muscles tighten, and the corresponding grip on his hip bones as Tayuya forced him to keep still. When she plunged her head back down, he let out a startled "Oh!" and began to pant, little groans and noises escaping his lips as he clenched his fists into hard-packed dirt.

"Tay-Tayuya, stop, I'm-" He never got to finish that sentence, as the redhead buried her face in his snowy white ringlets and milked him for all he had, releasing his hips and raking her fingernails down his back as he cried out. This time he really did pass out, his inexperienced body overloaded. The last thing he saw before his eyes drifted shut was a still-naked Tayuya, scampering back towards the campsite, clothes trailing from one hand in her wake.

* * *

"Hey Jiroubo, whaddya think Kimimaro and Tayuya are doing right now?" Kidoumaru said, punching Jiroubo on the elbow.

"I dunno. You hungry? 'Cause I am."

"You're always hungry. Go catch some freaking squirrels."

"Naw, they're too fast and skinny."

"Well go find something to eat and quit b******* at me! What do I look like, a frickin' buffet?"

"Well, actually..."

"...S***!"


	7. Violation and Intoxication

**A Normal Day, Chapter 7**

**Or, Kimimaro Feels Soooo Violated and Kabuto is Soooo Drunk  
**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**I don't own these characters, blah blah blah. But hey, now it's time for some brain-rotting fluffiness, since I don't feel like writing anything very citrusy tonight. And check out the ending of this chapter... didn't see that one coming, did you? Aww... it's Kabuto and Orochimaru bonding... over massive amounts of alcohol... I just had to write it...  
**

The dancers were back; they were dancing circles around him and mocking him. When he tried to get up, they tripped him, slamming him onto his back against the hard ground. He called up the power of his kekkei genkai and slashed about, dancing dance after dance. His bones shot out at all angles, ripping straight through flesh and weaker bone. He settled into fighting stance, the last of the glittering corpses falling around him with sick thuds and a tinkle of jewelry, and saw a final dancer, gold and silver bangles swirling as she walked towards him, backing him against a tree. He swiped, and his bones passed through her like a ghost as she traced a drop of blood running down his neck with a very real finger. The smell of sandalwood was suffocating him, drowning him in sweet perfume as he struggled to breathe...

He woke, arms covered in ivory spikes and blood, shoulder blades stuck a foot deep into the tree behind him. A chilly breeze from the nearby pond ran over his exposed skin and spurred him to wash and dress hastily. _What the hell is going on with me? I never use my kekkei genkai when I dream..._

_

* * *

  
_

When a thoroughly disgruntled Kimimaro got back to the camp site, he found something that made his stomach turn. It was Tayuya grinning at him and sitting on a log, wiping the blood from her mouth and hands as she kept an eye on the fat rabbit that sizzled over the coals in his hibachi. He'd never had much of a taste for blood, even though it was always in plentiful supply whenever he fought. The rabbit's head, eye sockets empty and black, stared eerily at him as the flesh smoked and sputtered. He looked back at his companion and wished he'd kept his eyes on the rabbit as he sat by her.

"Odd, isn't it? It was making weird noises, and wandering through the woods with it's eyes gouged out." He couldn't help but notice the slight sheen of blood on her lips and teeth. _Ugh... that mouth... that is just so freaking wrong, considering what else she does with it..._

"Are you listening to me butt munch? Or do I have something between my teeth?" the Kaguya wanted to tell her that yes, she had something between her teeth which looked suspiciously like a piece of sinew, but knew better.

"Umm, no. Actually, you look pretty nice." It was a lame compliment he knew, but it was better than getting smacked over the head with another of her flutes. He watched in silent fascination as Tayuya picked her teeth in the reflection of her silver flute, removing something stringy and red from between them. Seeming satisfied, she looked back up at him and grinned mischievously, red hair falling over her left eye. Again, she smelled faintly of sandalwood, but also of blood. When the rabbit was done, she tore off a leg and handed it to him and they munched in silence. A squirrel darted in the trees and green eyes shifted again towards the dried crimson stains on her sleeves.

"Umm... why are you all bloody? Just curious..." Brown eyes met green eyes, mocking.

"Because I don't carry any weapons other than my flutes, ding-dong. Whaddya want me to do? Go club a rabbit to death?" She tapped him on the head with her free hand, which was suddenly holding a flute.

"You never seem to have any trouble clobbering me..." He scooted slightly away from her and the two fell again into thoughtful silence. The squirrel chewed on an acorn like the innocent little forest creature it was supposed to be.

"Hey, Kimimaro?" He bit another chunk of meat off to stall for time, thinking it didn't taste too bad for not being squirrel. He turned to face her, mind suddenly racing about what _else_ she might be planning to do to him.

"Hmm?" It was the best he could manage, mouth full of rabbit.

"Do I have anything else left in my teeth?" The question hung in the air as the white haired teenager sorted out which responses would get him the hardest whack on the head. He chose one that Ukon had used on his brother once, hoping it would have the same effect and not sound too cheesy as he swallowed the last bits of rabbit and took a drink from his canteen.

"Uh, I don't know... but if you want I could check?" The silence stretched awkwardly as she stared at him and broke when he saw her coming closer to him, wrapping one hand around his neck.

"I-" She cut him off, smothering the protest with her own mouth and feeling him hesitantly kiss back. _Well at least he's not running away this time... _She pulled herself into his lap and smiled happily as his arms went around her waist and drew her close. _Yeah, that's more like it..._

Until the log rolled and dumped the pair of them onto the hard-packed dirt.

"Oww... " they both said in unison, Kimimaro standing up to rub his backside and Tayuya her nose.

"Well that was aaaawwwwkward." she said, pinching the bridge of her nose to stop the bleeding. Kimimaro did the same, but for different reasons. To her surprise, he handed her a handkerchief and smiled again.

"I think the powers that be are trying to tell us to get on with our surveillance mission. This is supposed to be a stakeout you know, not an all-expenses-paid vacation in the middle of a deserted, squirrel-infested woods." He hugged her to him briefly before ducking inside the tent and bringing out two packs of gear and wiring up her headset while she still held the white cloth over her nose.

"Awkay Keemeemaaarro. Ieel taeek thee eeast side, you taekk the west. Wee meet back heere at twieelight?" He grinned at how she was talking with her nose pinched, and departed into the trees, leaving only a few twigs to fall to the forest floor in his wake. The day would pass uneventfully, with only the occasional squirrel-nabbing on Kimimaro's part. That is, until dusk, when both of them got back to the camp site... and they still only had one sleeping bag.

* * *

Back at the hideout, Kabuto raised his twenty-second shot of tequila and missed Orochimaru's shot glass, almost spilling it on both of them. Orochimaru was only on his fifteenth shot, and both of them slurred at each other.

"Heyy, Omochimaru-sama, I wonder what Tayuya and whatsshishface are doin' hermmmm? Do you shink they acshully did the mishhhion like good little minionsss?" He tossed back the alcohol and the Snake Sannin did the same as they pounded their shot glasses on the coffee table. It wasn't exactly together that they did this, seeing as both of them were so very, very wasted. Even medical ninjas couldn't hold off the effects of drunkenness after so many shots, and if it weren't for Kabuto being such a good one, he would have passed out long ago from alcohol poisoning. It wasn't often that they got to enjoy drinking night together with nobody else around, and even more seldom did they manage to save the tequila from the clutches of Jiroubo.

"Hehhhhehhh... I'll bet they're shcrewing like bunniesss... Ahhh Kabuto, a toasht to the wondersss of young love... I think I'm gonna puke..." Kabuto watched as his master's face, alabaster even in the candle light, retreated into the washroom and tried not to listen to the sounds of hurling, preferring instead to pour himself another shot and down it before his master got back. When the Snake got back from the loo, his face was once again lavender and he poured them another pair of shots.

"Say, Kabuto, what was the drinking sssong for tonight, hmm?" Kabuto shrugged, eyelids drooping in a drunken stupor as he grinned at the opposite wall.

"Ninety-nine shotsh of tequila on the wall, ninety-nine shots of tequila. Take one down and pash it around, ninety-eight shots of tequila on the wall..." and so it went on for quite a while, until both of them passed out on the couch at around eighty-four shots of tequila on the wall. The medical ninja was the first to do so, leaning heavily on his master's shoulder and snoring. Orochimaru set down his glass and Kabuto's on the coffee table and rolled the unconscious form over to rest on his side, curling around the shorter man and removing his glasses. If Kabuto asked, he could just say that he was making sure the medic didn't choke if he threw up. Kabuto always bought that, especially the next day when both of them were suffering another epic hangover. He draped an arm over Kabuto's shoulders and pulled him closer, breathing in the scents of disinfectant and chemicals that lingered in the silvery strands of the medic's ponytail and falling into a happy, intoxicated slumber.


	8. The Squirrels Want NUTS!

**A Normal Day, Or Kimimaro And Tayuya Sitting In A Tree**

**Chapter 8**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**Once again, I do not own these characters, Kishimoto does! So, yeah... the squirrels have really gone crazy this time, and apparently they want NUTS!!!! Also, I'm picking up the Kabuto-Orochimaru part of the story line and running with it like a dingo with a baby. Tell me if it's getting too over the top or if you want more. And yes, eventually they will all come home to the Sound hideout. OMFG KABUTO AND ORO ARE DOING DRUGS NOW!!!!!!!  
**

"Ahhh! What the HELL??? Tayuya get over here NOW! F*****' squirrels! Ouch! Ouch! F***! Diediediediediediediediedie!!!!!! Over!" Tayuya was high up in a tree when the hiss of static and Kimimaro's enraged shouts caught her off guard.

"Kimimaro, what the f*** are you playing at? Squirrels? Over!" She cut the microphone on her radio and took out a small ocarina from her pack, blowing an inaudibly high note on the tiny instrument. As she reconnected her microphone, the earpiece buzzed.

"It's f*****' squirrels! I can hear you-ouch-northwest-oww-f***! Two kilometers! They're vicious and-" Tayuya ripped the headset off as the earpiece blasted a screeching wave of feedback. Kimimaro was in trouble! She leapt from branch to branch, determined not to turn back at the thought of hundreds, possibly thousands of chattering, blood-crazed squirrels with their tiny sharp claws and wicked teeth. She was going to be brave! She was going to rescue her white-haired companion from their squirrelly wrath! She was going to do her best not to cry like a little girl and run in fear from their red, glowing eyes! Into the fiery sunset she ran, taking out her heaviest, sturdiest flute and clipping on the even heavier range extender, which let her play a low B and gave her flute an extra six inches of smiting length. Within minutes, she could hear the fight; the sinister, demonic gnashing of countless teeth and claws, mixed with the bone-chilling squeals of the wounded, and above it all, the savage cursing and the zwipp-zwipping sound of Kimimaro's bones.

"AHHH! NO!!!! NOT THERE!!!!!! AUGGGHHHHMYNUTS-ACKK!!!!!" The cry of anguish shook the very forest as Tayuya burst through the trees, smacking squirrels right and left, stepping on crunchy little corpses and trying her best not to blubber in fear. She could barely see Kimimaro, as he was covered from head to toe in a writhing mass of biting teeth and furry tails, several squirrels forcing themselves lumpily under his shirt and into the waistband of his pants. Bones shot out and in like lightning over his body, but the squirrels were fast, and he couldn't keep up with them as their teeth and claws hindered his concentration. Pulling half a dozen of the furry savages from his face, Kimimaro yelled at her.

"Your flute! Put them to sleep! GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!MMPPHH!!!!" A squirrel had tried to enter his mouth, and he fell to the ground, choking on its severed head. Tayuya raised her flute to her lips, trying to ignore the terrifying feeling of the bushy-tailed creatures now scuttling up her legs as well. The first note sounded, sending the creatures into an even greater fury, but by ten seconds in, they had all dropped off of the pair, helpless piles of villainous fluff. Tayuya took a second to create a shadow clone to keep playing her flute, and approached Kimimaro.

"Oh, _f***_." It was quite an eloquent statement, considering what the squirrels had done to him. The Kaguya lay, choking and turning purple in spatters of his own blood. Tayuya thought fast. _Something in his airway... a bit of squirrel, perhaps? _She hoisted his torso with the strength born of pure, scared-s***less adrenaline, and jammed her fist hard up into his ribcage. A small, round, fuzzy object flew from his mouth, smacking a nearby tree wetly as Kimimaro gasped and retched, falling forward onto hands and knees. Tayuya's shadow clone played the flute louder, trying to drown out the noise.

"Tayuya... thanks..." He wiped his mouth with a blood-stained sleeve and got shakily to his feet, wincing as he pulled off a few errant squirrels that had failed to detach their teeth from his flesh. She could see the squirrel-shaped lumps in his clothing, and helped him out of his shirt to survey the damage. The squirrels had done quite a bit of it, and his chest was streaked with rivulets of blood and neat little bite wounds, not to mention the larger bits of blood and tissue from using his ribs for his kekkei genkai. Even his hair was dripping blood, which had started to pool in the dips of his collarbones.

"Good gods... you'll be lucky if you don't get rabies. Here, after that this shouldn't hurt a bit." She pulled out two antidote vials, one containing Kabuto's cure-all wide-spectrum antibiotic blend and the other a rabies antidote/vaccine and jabbing one in each of his shoulders. He twitched convulsively, the pooled blood spilling down his chest as he swayed on the spot.

"Ahhhhhowww... that does hurt..." He sat down hard on the ground, eyes unfocused as the blood continued to dribble slowly down his chest. "Blood... loss... it kind of sucks... doesn't it?" He passed out, and Tayuya couldn't blame him. _The blood running off his hair... scalp wounds bleed a lot... get those first, then worry about the superficial stuff. Damn f*****, going around parading his masculine superiority, and then falling prey to a bunch of rodents... f*** it._ She hastily made a couple more shadow clones to take him back to the campsite while she made sure that every last gods-damned squirrel in the clearing with blood on its teeth was _dead_.

Kimimaro opened his eyes through an open space in a plastering of bandages that covered him from head to toe, smelling sandalwood and herbs. Turning his head, he found a familiar tanned face hovering over him, and immediately reached up an arm to cradle the back of her head as he kissed her through the fog of half-consciousness. She pulled away suddenly, spitting and cussing.

"UGH! F****** puke! F****** nasty-" The shadow clone disappeared in a puff of smoke. Somewhere near the hideout, Tayuya gagged at the experience of the clone's kiss. _At least I know he's awake. _When she got back to the tent, Kimimaro was sitting up, brushing his teeth as furiously as he could given his current state. Grinning, Tayuya tapped him on the shoulder, offering her canteen of water. He took it gratefully, climbing shakily out of the tent to spit and rinse. He just barely made it back.

"Heh... I owe you one, Tay," He flinched as she raised her flute, then thought better of hitting him in this state. "But could you get a plasma pill?" He flopped back into the sleeping bag, waiting. "They're in the other pocket. Yeah, that one." He popped the tiny pill and grimaced at the taste, shivering.

"Are you cold? Yeah, you're cold. And I'm tired." She pulled off most of her dirty mission clothes, putting on a light shirt and shorts before coming back over to the sleeping bag and unzipping it enough to crawl in beside him. She couldn't believe the amazing job her shadow clone had done with the bandages on his chest, almost like he was a mummy. What surprised her was that he was wearing no pants... only bandages, and badly wrapped ones too.

"Kimimaro... why are you not wearing pants...? It's not in my shadow clone's memory of you getting naked..." He shifted uncomfortably, and she could see him blushing in the dim light that filtered through the tent.

"Uh, Tayuya... they bit me _everywhere_. Even a Dumb Cooze like you should have figured that out." He felt her turn away from him, pulling the sleeping bag tight between them and making him grit his teeth against the pressure on his many wounds. "I'm sorry Tayuya..." He turned over, wincing in discomfort, and hugged her to his bandaged body.

"Fine. But don't call me a dumb cooze ever again. This dumb cooze just saved you from becoming f****** squirrel food... jerk." She tapped his shoulder, pleased at the cringe he gave. Feeling she'd chastised him enough, she turned back over to nuzzle close, but not too close, to the spicy scent of herbal salve and cotton bandages.

The shadow clone on guard tripped over a rock, making a small 'poof' sound as it disappeared. Tayuya grinned as the clone's memories of wrapping a naked Kimimaro up in bandages zoomed back to her mind. _Haha... those squirrels really were after my poor little Kimimaro's nuts!_

_

* * *

  
_

"Unghhhhhh... Kabuto... how many shots of tequila did we have? ...'Cos my head feels like it's full of snakes..." Kabuto's shoulders jerked as he woke to the feeling of a hand running through his hair and the sound of his master's hung-over voice, and hastily ran a mental estimate of how much tequila they'd _really_ had. It wasn't pretty, but he was sure it had been a lot because his hair was out of its ponytail, his glasses were off, and he had a splitting headache.

"Too much, apparently. Where's my hair tie?" The medical ninja felt around on the coffee table for his glasses and elastic, but the fingers found nothing, save two half-full shot glasses. A pair of cool arms pulled him back down before he could resist, and his glasses were placed on his nose.

"Kabuto, Kabuto. Tch, you passed out, and I didn't want my best medical ninja choking on his own puke... you should know that," The fingers slipped through Kabuto's silky gray hair. "And also, what shampoo did you use again? Seriously, you're practically a walking hair care commercial." Kabuto tried not to tense up at the prickly feeling as his hair was, pardon the expression, rubbed the wrong way. _Ughghghgh... why does everyone want to touch my freaking hair?!?!?!_ He sat up, dodging the reaching hand that made another grab for his precious silver locks, and found the hair tie on the far side of the coffee table.

"Umm... I just use that one brand from Grass country. It's supposed to make your hair five times as strong and shiny. Yeah." He shook out his mane of shoulder-length hair, combing it with his fingers and pulling it back into a tight ponytail.

"Sweet, can I borrow it... like after I go have some coffee?" The snake sannin lurched to his feet and stumbled in the general direction of the kitchen, hitting several pieces of furniture along the way and knocking down a priceless Ming dynasty vase with a deafening (to both of them) crash. Kabuto rotated his head and stretched his shoulders before deciding that his hair wasn't perfect and re-tying his ponytail a few times. It had to be perfect, no excuses, or it would bother him all day. A few minutes later, Orochimaru stumbled back out of the kitchen, two mugs of steaming liquid clutched to his chest as he tottered over and sat down again next to Kabuto.

"A toast to massive hangovers and funky-smelling coffee!" They sat and sipped for a while in silence, each nursing a slowly dwindling headache. It was only when Kabuto had gotten most of the way through his mug and started feeling weird that he looked down at the... coffee... and realized something.

"Hey, I don't think you noticed this, but coffee isn't supposed to be green... and it really isn't supposed to smell like that. You said Kidoumaru was in rehab, didn't you?" Orochimaru looked up at him, pupils mere slits in his golden, slightly bloodshot eyes.

"Duuuuude, Kabuto, I think you're right, that might not have been, like, coffee..." The snake sannin grinned at him, and wandered off towards the coffee maker again, skirting around the broken shards of pottery. He brought out a bag of what appeared to be pre-ground coffee, and opened it, letting the pungent smell waft out at Kabuto.

"Ugh, yep dude, that's weed." Kabuto coughed a little as the fumes burned his nose. The snake-man turned away from him for a moment, rustling around with the bag. He turned back to Kabuto a few moments later, tongue wrapped around the end of a massive, perfectly rolled joint.

"You just gonna sit ther Kabuto, or are you gonna help me get rid of Kidoumaru's stash before they all come home and want some of it, hmm?" Kabuto watched in some trepidation as his master transferred the joint to his hand and reached into one of his pockets with his tongue, pulling out a zippo. This was going to be an... interesting day, to say in the least.


	9. Ever Watched 'The Birds?

**A Normal Day, Or Kimimaro and Tayuya Sitting In A Tree**

**Chapter 9**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**Yep, I checked everywhere, but the only place I won any Naruto characters is in my dreams, and those don't count.**

**This chapter (long overdue, I know... *Ducks flying objects*) gets a bit dark in a LOT of places, so if you don't like blood, guts and gore (mostly squirrel, some human), don't read it. There's also not a lot of action (of the bow-chicka-wow-wow kind), but it's setting up for more of that in the next chapter, whenever I get that done. Tell me if it's getting better or worse, or if I should go eat a squirrel. Reviews keep me writing, so gimme some of those!  
**

The last thing Kimimaro felt before drifting into a deep, dream-infested sleep was Tayuya, body pressed lightly along his back, arm draped over his shoulders. As he relinquished the physical pain of his wounds, the dream-dancers welled up within his consciousness again, gyrating and leaping about him in the dark with mocking glee. Their hands pushed at him, darting to pinch and prod at his naked, tender flesh as he dodged and dipped, deploying sharp bones to counter some of the more unavoidable strikes.

"What the hell? Why are you doing this to me?" They cackled, pulling at his hair with sharp little teeth, furry bodies slipping from his clutches like greased lightning… "What the…? Teeth? Fur?" He was bowled over, dozens of tiny bodies cascading like a compound being down his shoulders, under his arms, between his legs and around his feet! He reacted to the threat without thought, his ribs spurting out in the multitude of sharp spikes of his Karamatsu no Mai, impaling the tiny menaces and making them scream… wait, there was someone else screaming… _S***… Wake up…!_

His eyes popped open, pupils round and huge with adrenaline as blood splattered and cloth ripped around them in the tent. The furry things were real, as were their screams and those of Tayuya beside him, as he turned in panic to see her, one eye open, the other closed under a cascade of blood that ran down her nose and chin. He hastily withdrew his bones on that side, praying he had not injured her, not hearing her cry out in pain over the renewed frenzy of squirrels that had closed in upon him and were tearing at the remnants of his bandages in savage, squirrelly berzerkery. _Air! _They needed to get out of the tent, and now! Raising the arm that had been protecting his face, he felt many pairs of tiny jaws clamp painfully into his earlobe and cheek, his face, all the way down his neck… onto the tip of his nose! With a yell of pain, he split and fanned out his finger bones, ripping clean through the material of the tent and spilling both of them out into the air on a wave of enraged rodents. Taking a necessary risk, he opened one eye long enough to see where Tayuya was before sending himself rolling along the ground and up into the fastest, most brutal Karamatsu no Mai he had ever danced, yelling in pain as little chunks of his own flesh were ripped away in the still-iron jaws of squirrels as they flung away, impaled on his spikes. He spun for what seemed like forever, deflecting the demonic creatures away from the unconscious body of his teammate, _his love_.

"Tayuya, wake up! WAKE UP DAMNIT YOU DUMB COOZE WAKE UP!" He bellowed, wrenching the squirrel from his earlobe like a hated earring, throwing it gracelessly against a tree as the horde, sensing the tides had turned, gave up and beat a hasty, if temporary retreat into the bushes. Kimimaro staggered, slipping on a puddle of squirrel guts, and dropped heavily to his knees beside her, splashing her with more unidentified bloody goop. "Tayuya, Tay-Tay-chan! Oh… s***… S***!" It was not his blood he was kneeling in, but hers, spilling from a deep puncture under her outstretched arm. _Oh… F***… major artery… crap, I must have stabbed her, oh, crap, crap, CRAP! Bandages…! _"Tayuya! Hang on! NO, she can't be dead, can't be!" Ripping the last bits of his own bandages off his receding rib bones, he tied a makeshift tourniquet around her shoulder with shaking hands, twisting it with one of his bones, tight enough to bite deep into her blood-speckled, tanned flesh. Stuffing down the panic that threatened to rise up and break him, he rolled her over, sucking in a horrified breath when he saw the row of deep, irregular punctures down her ribs. _Oh… gods… that was me. That was ME! I have to get out of here, get to safety, something, just get away… get her safe…oh gods, don't panic-that makes you useless-so much blood… have to get her a plasma pill, something…_

"F***! Plasma pills! F***!" The Kaguya ripped through the remains of the tent, frantic until he found their small first aid kit, and popped two of the tiny pills into Tayuya's mouth, slapping her gently on the cheek to wake her up long enough to swallow them. "Don't worry, we're going back to the hideout, Tay-Tay-chan. Don't move, I'll carry you." Tucking the first-aid kit into some of the bandages around his waist, he hoisted the redhead's body to one shoulder and extruded his clavicle outwards and backwards in a spiral cage to secure and support her weight. _Too light… so much blood loss can't be good, even with the plasma pills… gotta hurry before it's too late. _He launched himself into the trees, partially blinded by his own blood but still determined, a man on a mission.

* * *

"Sakon… where are we? This forest looks strange…" Ukon poked his brother in the back, making him look up.

"Who cares? Honestly, bro, we're just on stakeout duty, so who gives a squirrel's a**?" A rustling in the bushes answered, along with his brother's panicky voice.

"Them…" Ukon had always been the smarter brother, even if he _was_ the subordinate. That would explain why he had already separated from his brother and was thirty feet away and accelerating when his brother replied.

"Who? What? Hey, where'd…?" The rest was drowned out by half a dozen squirrels pouncing upon him, hell-bent on avenging his careless insult. "Hey! What the F*** did you do? Get back here and get these damn things off of meeee! Owwwieeee my nipples! D:" (AN: Just had to add that little reference… inside joke!)

* * *

Miles away, Kimimaro's foot landed on a decaying branch, which snapped and sent both him and his precious cargo plummeting toward a high-speed rendezvous with the forest floor. _I tried… but I failed. I'm sorry, Tayuya-chan…_ Only thing, it wasn't the forest floor they hit, but a mushy, slimy peat bog that cushioned their fall and sucked at Kimimaro's feet as he struggled to drag them both out of the swamp. _Oh, man Tayuya… I hope you can forgive me, if we get home… no, when we get home. Yes, when we get home, because we will_… Shaking the mud off his feet, Kimimaro stumbled, only managing to catch himself and his redheaded burden at he last moment.

"F***, Tayuya, I don't think… I can go on like this. Just let me rest for a bit, Tayuya… Tayuya-chan." Fighting the fatigue that weighed his arms like lead, he retrieved the first aid kit from his bandages, popping the last food pill into his mouth and biting down hard before gathering Tayuya's limp body into his lap. He assured himself that she was alive, resting his head in the curve of her chest, her steady, faint heartbeat mixed with the crackle of blood dried into the cloth of her shirt. He would rest here, gather his strength now that he knew where he was, for just a second, a minute. He didn't realize his eyelids had fallen shut until a weak hand twitched at the back of his head, pulling his hair.

"Wake up, baka. They're here again. Just wake up!" The harsh voice woke him up, and the scrabble of furry little claws sent him into instant panic mode.

* * *

"Dude, Kabuto… what's _that_? Is that a _flying mummy_?" The Snake Sannin giggled, tongue hanging out of one side of his mouth, a fat cigar of some questionable plant material hanging out the other. Said medical ninja paused in the act of working the lighter to look up, eyes red and crossed.

"Holy s***, Orochimaru-sama, I do believe you're right. That _is _a flying mummy." As said flying mummy got closer, both of the Sound-Village stoners realized exactly who it was, covered in blood and mostly _not-_covered in bandages. They also realized whom he was carrying, and deduced that him carrying her meant that something very, _very_ bad had happened. Tayuya never took s*** from anyone, and being carried was, in her book, definitely grade AA s***.

* * *

Neither of them knew exactly how they got back to the hideout, but by the time they arrived, both of them were exhausted to the point of being barely conscious and more than willing to be dragged into Kabuto's lair and tranquilized. When Kimimaro came to briefly as Kabuto stuck another IV in him, all he said was "Tayuya… did you close the door? Squirrels…"

"Yes, Tayuya is alive, though just. I'm not going to ask what you did to her, but _damn_ dude, control yourself." Kabuto tried to put on his best professional demeanor, but he couldn't help giggling. _Wow, they must have been up to some kinky S***… BDSM or something, haha… I wonder what they were doing with those squirrels, probably don't wanna know…_

"Kabuto, _please_ tell me I am not the only one seeing this. Come over here. _Now._" The medic ninja rushed over to where Orochimaru was peering in horrified fascination out the window as thousands upon thousands of squirrels battered themselves against the stone walls of the hideout.

"Oh yup Orochimaru-sama, that's _totally_ normal. Nothing weird about them. It's a seasonal thi-" He didn't get to finish that sentence, as a long, amazingly strong tongue wrapped itself around his throat, lifting him clean off the ground and reeling him in, inches away from a pair of wide, bloodshot eyes.

"Are you F***ing with me, Kabuto?" The medic ninja gulped and with some difficulty replied.

"No, Orochimaru-sama. Those squirrels are very real. I was just trying to lighten up the mood, seeing as I am also freaking out. Ever watched 'The Birds'? That's what I'm thinking about right now." The tongue released him, allowing the silver-haired ninja back down on his feet as his master turned around, gazing in bleak, secretly petrified fascination.

"Good, because if you were f***ing with me I would have thrown you out the damn window. And yes, I watched 'The Birds' too. Kabuto, get me my brown pants. _That is an order_."


End file.
